I think that being a mom for the first time rocks, but seeing my husband, even just the smell of him, makes me feel upset.
The idea of having our own kid excites us both assuming that we will become closer and more affectionate once the baby arrives. Our baby will be the tie that will bind us together whenever we start to see our differences. But I was shocked as to how I felt when we had brought our baby home.
I might come strong, but I really feel like I hate my husband, even reaching the point where I was contemplating of divorce. I find no reason why, but that was how I felt. I thought that it might be due to the stress brought about by adjustments for our new role as parents. I even said to myself that maybe this would make our relationship even stronger.
He Does Not Understand
I felt like my husband does not understand the challenging role I play now as a mother to a crybaby, the need to take care of our baby 24/7, plus all the household chores. He thinks that multitasking is just easy-peasy. I’m busy as a beaver while he is all cool, just thinking about his job and how he can provide financially for our family.
I called him awful names, threw things on him, and even threatened him with divorce. I could not tell anyone, not even my mom, for I know things will only get worse. Of course, my mom will be my ally.
“When people are very busy, they sometimes don’t have many emotional reserves left to deal with small hassles and irritations,” Alice Boyes, PhD, explained. “This can result in snapping at your partner over little things, being negative, and complaining.”
Social Media Made Things Worse
Seeing his social media feed photos with his friends made me feel more awful. I was juggling every single work in my hands. All the pressures of motherhood, breastfeeding, and keeping the house tidy and organized is more seen as a woman’s responsibility rather than of man’s. I was trying my best to keep our house in order while he was busy celebrating with his friends. Those things made me feel more alone, worsening my depression.
Fighting Off The Negative Thoughts
The mood in our home started to get fuzzy. If I let my feelings dictate how I am supposed to treat my husband, we might split up early. But instead of my husband hating me just the same, he tried to be sweeter and more thoughtful. I was just thankful that my husband understood what I was going through no matter how irrational I often got.
So, I tried to change how I felt. When I started to think of my husband not sharing the responsibility with me especially in the child-caring part, I pitched into remembering the times when he was looking after the baby while I was resting despite being tired from work. I focused my attention on thinking that he is doing his best at work, doing overtime to provide for our needs especially now that we have a baby to support and we also need to prepare for her future. I also tried to recognize that what I was feeling was just brought about by the stress of being a new mom and this feeling I have is something that is temporary.
The most important thing is I told him what I genuinely feel, how I hated him and the things that he was doing annoyed me completely. I let him know everything because I know he is not a mind reader to know all this, and I don’t want him to get fed up with my attitude.
“In sum, if something your partner does repeatedly bothers you, find a new way to respond. Find new solutions, jointly and on your own,” wrote Susan Heitler, PhD.
Communication saved our relationship. I made him understand that I, too, hate how I feel towards him. It is not who I am. It’s just that I can’t control it, but I know it was just something temporary. And it indeed was. After a few months, I slowly got back to my old self, the confident and secure me, and I also started getting the hang of being a mom. Jane Greer, PhD, explained, “You move to, how do we problem-solve in the future? How do we avoid this going forward?”
Indeed now, our daughter has become the glue that have kept us together – ready of whatever challenges we will be facing in the future.